you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
