Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
