Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
