Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
