my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
