I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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