The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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