About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
