Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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