i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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