I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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