I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
