Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
