OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
