1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come share oat with me in your robe
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
