I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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