I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
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you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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