I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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