So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
