my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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