The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
