he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
