He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
