We are two peas in an std pod
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
