I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
