my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
