i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
