I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
