maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
