theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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