This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
