So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
