hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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