I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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