You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
