I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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