Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
