Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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