Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
