I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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