I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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