We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
