I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
