so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
