Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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