i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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