i was born a porn star she said
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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