The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
