Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
