So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
