you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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