my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
