So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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