I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
