Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
