My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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