Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
