Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
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I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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